Well, today I am at Compton Hospice and hopefully will get this pain and sickness mallarky sorted.
And this evening, I am dining out with friends at the Wing Wah.
As you may or may not know, I entered a writing competition a while ago, I haven't heard anything, so I assume that I am not a winner, so I thought that I would share it with you.
Their subject was death and dying....so don't have a go at me for being morbid!!!!!
Anyway, I don't think that it is morbid.
I have called it:-
I Know That I Am Dying - How Cool Is That?
It isn’t dying that is scary. The things that I find scary are how I am going to die, and the nearest and dearest that I will leave behind. What is killing me? A rare cancer, that no one seems to know much about.
The important thing for me is knowing that I have such a great team of McMillan nurses at Compton Hospice. They will ensure that my pain is controlled, and that I have a choice of where to die. That is one scary thing sorted already!
The other one is my loved ones. Well, knowing that I am dying has given me time to sort out a funeral. That is one thing less that they have to worry about.
Secondly, I have ensured that I have a will in place. I have spoken with all concerned and stated what is in my will. A list of who needs to be contacted and informed of my death is there ready for them.
A list of family members and friends who need to be contacted is there and in place. I don’t know about you, but there are some friends and family that I don’t keep contact with on a regular basis. Why? Probably because I am lazy, or meant to, and then forgot.
Knowing that I am dying has made me get on with this, no excuses. I have the opportunity to build bridges. I have fallen out with some people over the years, and now I know that I have to ‘fix’ it. (Or that I can if I want to).
I can spend as much time with my loved ones as is possible with no procrastinations. We are always visiting with each other, phoning, texting and emailing. Before we knew that I was dying, we didn’t make sure that we contacted each other so regularly. That is sad, but I am sure that many families are similar. Many of us need that kick in the ass to get our priorities straight.
How many of you have a ‘bucket list’? I didn’t have one. When I was told that I was going to be dead before the year was out, I started to think of all of the things that I wanted to do, the ones that I was either too busy or too skint to do! Well, in the last couple of months, I have done some of these things!
I promised myself a ‘Murder Mystery’ weekend, this was in 1982!!
Well, I went on one. I went with my Mum, my daughter and a friend. I have always wanted to go on a week end ‘Spa break’. Well, I did that too! Many friends and work colleagues bought me a day spa, which confirmed to me that I still wanted to have a fun week end at it. So that is what I did! My Mum, my daughter and two friends came with me.
Drama group……….I have always wanted to join a drama group, so I joined one last week! I intend to learn to play the drums too, something else that was just a day dream until I knew that I was dying!
There are so many things that I am able to do now, that I would have kept putting off. I want to rent a large house for a week, one that sleeps eighteen plus people. All my friends and family can stay for the week, or just pop in and out as their work allows. I want an indoor pool, a games room, close to local amenities………Oh what fun!
A fabulous gathering of family and friends! If I didn’t know that I was dying, this event would only be reserved for funerals and weddings. At my age, there are more funerals than weddings, so what a change, meeting to be happy!
I am going to have a week end away with my son and daughter; we are going to a ‘craft week end’. The three of us have always fancied a go at pottery. We have found a hotel that does this, and it also has a golf course. That means that my brother and sister in law will come too.
I go to a Day Centre once a week at the local Hospice. What fabulous opportunities there are there. I get to learn new skills, pursue any hobbies and past times that I have given up due to other pressures. I get to meet so many lovely people.
The Day Centre provides manicures, hair dressing and various holistic therapies. When would I have the time to have these? Well, I wouldn’t.
I can access physiotherapy, occupational therapy, benefits advice and so much more.
Many of the things that I have done and want to do, cost money. This is a fact.
Knowing that I am dying, means that I can have all of my pensions paid out in one go. (Work pensions). That certainly helps.
If I am still alive in August/September, I want to go to the Military Tattoo in Edinborough.
I have the time to make my garden into what I want it to be, I have time to sit in my garden and enjoy it.
When I knew that time was so short, I thought that if I didn’t live the rest of my life, and whoooop it up a bit, all of this valuable time would be lost.
I don’t have to watch my weight, I dress how I choose, I get to wear really fabulous head gear. No more daily hair washing, blow drying, moussing and waxing.
I have to paint my eye brows on, so I can put them where I like….no more mono brow, beautifully arched and exactly where I want them.
Knowing that I am dying is so liberating!
These are all the practical advantages…….Ethereal ones?
That is another new story.
Believe me when I say that the scariest thing about death is that you die before ‘living’, before saying ‘I’m sorry’, before forgiving yourself, and before saying ‘I love you’.
I Know That I Am Dying - How Cool Is That.
Carol Hubbard 2012.
I am feeling a bit queezy this morning, but I am sure that I will get over it by this evening......let's just hope that I am not 'over confident!'
Anyway, feel free to comment on my writing....I could always use tips and constructive criticism!
Have a great day!