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Thursday, 31 May 2012

Thursday 31st June - writing comp

Well, today I am at Compton Hospice and hopefully will get this pain and sickness mallarky sorted.

And this evening, I am dining out with friends at the Wing Wah.

As you may or may not know, I entered a writing competition a while ago, I haven't heard anything, so I assume that I am not a winner, so I thought that I would share it with you.

Their subject was death and don't have a go at me for being morbid!!!!!
Anyway, I don't think that it is morbid.

I have called it:-

I Know That I Am Dying - How Cool Is That?

It isn’t dying that is scary. The things that I find scary are how I am going to die, and the nearest and dearest that I will leave behind. What is killing me? A rare cancer, that no one seems to know much about.

The important thing for me is knowing that I have such a great team of McMillan nurses at Compton Hospice. They will ensure that my pain is controlled, and that I have a choice of where to die. That is one scary thing sorted already!

The other one is my loved ones. Well, knowing that I am dying has given me time to sort out a funeral. That is one thing less that they have to worry about.

Secondly, I have ensured that I have a will in place. I have spoken with all concerned and stated what is in my will. A list of who needs to be contacted and informed of my death is there ready for them.

A list of family members and friends who need to be contacted is there and in place. I don’t know about you, but there are some friends and family that I don’t keep contact with on a regular basis. Why? Probably because I am lazy, or meant to, and then forgot.

Knowing that I am dying has made me get on with this, no excuses. I have the opportunity to build bridges. I have fallen out with some people over the years, and now I know that I have to ‘fix’ it. (Or that I can if I want to).

I can spend as much time with my loved ones as is possible with no procrastinations. We are always visiting with each other, phoning, texting and emailing. Before we knew that I was dying, we didn’t make sure that we contacted each other so regularly. That is sad, but I am sure that many families are similar. Many of us need that kick in the ass to get our priorities straight.

How many of you have a ‘bucket list’? I didn’t have one. When I was told that I was going to be dead before the year was out, I started to think of all of the things that I wanted to do, the ones that I was either too busy or too skint to do! Well, in the last couple of months, I have done some of these things!

I promised myself a ‘Murder Mystery’ weekend, this was in 1982!!
Well, I went on one. I went with my Mum, my daughter and a friend. I have always wanted to go on a week end ‘Spa break’. Well, I did that too! Many friends and work colleagues bought me a day spa, which confirmed to me that I still wanted to have a fun week end at it. So that is what I did! My Mum, my daughter and two friends came with me.

Drama group……….I have always wanted to join a drama group, so I joined one last week! I intend to learn to play the drums too, something else that was just a day dream until I knew that I was dying!

There are so many things that I am able to do now, that I would have kept putting off. I want to rent a large house for a week, one that sleeps eighteen plus people. All my friends and family can stay for the week, or just pop in and out as their work allows. I want an indoor pool, a games room, close to local amenities………Oh what fun!
A fabulous gathering of family and friends! If I didn’t know that I was dying, this event would only be reserved for funerals and weddings. At my age, there are more funerals than weddings, so what a change, meeting to be happy!

I am going to have a week end away with my son and daughter; we are going to a ‘craft week end’. The three of us have always fancied a go at pottery. We have found a hotel that does this, and it also has a golf course. That means that my brother and sister in law will come too.

I go to a Day Centre once a week at the local Hospice. What fabulous opportunities there are there. I get to learn new skills, pursue any hobbies and past times that I have given up due to other pressures. I get to meet so many lovely people.

The Day Centre provides manicures, hair dressing and various holistic therapies. When would I have the time to have these? Well, I wouldn’t.
I can access physiotherapy, occupational therapy, benefits advice and so much more.

Many of the things that I have done and want to do, cost money. This is a fact.
Knowing that I am dying, means that I can have all of my pensions paid out in one go. (Work pensions). That certainly helps.

If I am still alive in August/September, I want to go to the Military Tattoo in Edinborough.

I have the time to make my garden into what I want it to be, I have time to sit in my garden and enjoy it.

When I knew that time was so short, I thought that if I didn’t live the rest of my life, and whoooop it up a bit, all of this valuable time would be lost.

I don’t have to watch my weight, I dress how I choose, I get to wear really fabulous head gear. No more daily hair washing, blow drying, moussing and waxing.
I have to paint my eye brows on, so I can put them where I like….no more mono brow, beautifully arched and exactly where I want them.

Knowing that I am dying is so liberating!

These are all the practical advantages…….Ethereal ones?
That is another new story.

Believe me when I say that the scariest thing about death is that you die before ‘living’, before saying ‘I’m sorry’, before forgiving yourself, and before saying ‘I love you’.

I Know That I Am Dying - How Cool Is That.

Carol Hubbard 2012.

I am feeling a bit queezy this morning, but I am sure that I will get over it by this evening......let's just hope that I am not 'over confident!'

Anyway, feel free to comment on my writing....I could always use tips and constructive criticism!

Have a great day!


Angelinthemaking said...

When I said some people would get what I meant about loss in my last blog post I particularly meant you, Carol! How well you expressed that a terminal prognosis is somehow a gift. Not what was wished for of course but actually, if looked at in a certain way, rather liberating and enriching. Such a shame it's usually wrapped up in a load of health problems ;-/

Anonymous said...

I read your blog from time to time. I know I don't really know you but you keep in my thoughts. I love your outlook on life, as we also have a friend in the same position, and he, just like you is just enjoying living and doing all the things he never had time to do.
You make me realise that life is indeed for living and a smile make you feel better and it spreads to other around you.
I hope you enjoy tonight
Positive thoughts from me to you.
Patsy. Xx

cleo said...

wrote you my comment but this Google thingy is acting up! grrrrrrrr

Carol said...

Hi Gabi,
Yes, sadly we have to be ill before appreciating so many things n life....
But it is still liberating.
Giving things up is a bummer though....never mind, I will try to replace these things with others.

Carol said...

Hi Patsy,
Very nice to hear from you.
I am sorry that there is some one in your 'circle' who is ailing, never the less, it is great to hear that he is living life to the full.
A smile costs nothing and yet is so valuable....just use it willy nilly, it will never be wasted!

Carol said...

Hi Cleo,
I know just what you mean...this google thingy does my head in too some times, it stopped me commenting on a friends blog yesterday!

Anonymous said...

Hi carol
You have a wonderful gift for putting your heart and soul on paper or in this case a screen lol. I feel I appreciate things since my losses but you have made me think today because I'm still putting things off. I wonder what day we are all waiting for!! Thank you for making me think carol.
I really hope you've enjoyed your day and that the sicky feeling has gone so that you can enjoy your meal tonight.
I hope the hospice have sorted out your meds for you.
Warm hugs
Saly xxxx

Dee said...

Nice blog Carol. Thank you for reminding us all what's really important.

Dee said...

Great blog Carol. Thanks for reminding all your readers what's really important. Your positive attitude is amazing.

cleo said...

but that doesn't mean that I am not thinking of you darlin'!! I am alll the way backing ylou up in your stgruggle and fioght against this so nasty disease!!
Have fun as much as you can and smile to the world, which you do alrfeady and nkeep the beautiful human being that you are, strong and full of spirit!! Bless you a 10000 times honey!! Hugs!!

Carol said...

Hi Sally,
Thanks for your kind words....always fancied writing for a living....but responsibilities and so many other things stop people doing the things that they enjoy......(being good or not is a whole separate issue, lol!)
Carol x

Carol said...

Hi Dee,
I am so pleased that you find the blog useful...I try to keep it light, but some times unpleasant things happen, and they have to be said!
Ups and downs, peaks and troughs, experiencing them is really living, but we all prefer the peaks and!
I hope to continue reading your comments. Thanks

Carol said...

Yay! Cleo, I got your comment!
Thanks for your lovely comments.