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Friday, 18 May 2012

Friday 18th May 2012 - How I feel....

OK, I know that I have blogged once today already....that was talking about fun things and my wonderful holiday. I want to talk about how I feel now, and I know that many of you don't like these bits, so I thought that I would keep them separate, so, if you would prefer not to know, I should stop reading now, and come back tomorrow when I tell more tales about the holiday........ Well since last Sunday, I have been feeling more and more tired. I have certainly been sleeping more. I am taking a great deal more morphine now too. As you know, I am on various medications, some of which are pain killers every two hours. The pain is waking me in the night now, and I have to take more morphine 2 - 3 times during the night. How to describe the pain......... Well, as you know, the cancer is in my liver, lymph nodes to the left groin, left lung and bones to the left lower back. There is a possibility that it has spread to so many other places too, there is no way of knowing....not until a post mortem any way, if I have one. What I am trying to say, is that the pain is in all the above mentioned places and many others. Back to the description of the pain.........I will talk about the worst one. The place, the whole of the right torso from the top of my leg to maybe nipple level on a man...(as you know, women's nipples move independently with the breasts! Lol!) For most of the time, it is a general ache, with sharp and sudden extra pain. During the night I need to make my self as comfortable as possible on my right side, this is painful, but I am usually awake enough to 'think' through it. That done, and sleep comes. Like most of us, I move in the night, and at some point turn on to my left side. No problems. A bit later I want to move again to my, that bloody hurts! It feels like all my innards on the left side have 'flopped' heavily to the other side of my body. I am not sure if the pain is actually worse than initially or if I am too sleepy/drowsy to 'think' through it.....either way, I am awake. More morphine. I don't want to sleep on my left side, because my shoulder and hip hurt, probably due to pressure, so, I try my back....that bloody hurts too. So, back on the left, go to sleep....again at some point I need to turn, all innards flop, more morphine, and around we go! This may be why I am so tired in the day time, but I think that it is unlikely, because this has been going on for longer than Sunday. That is just one of my physical pains. There are more, of course, along with other stuff.....discharge.....incontinence......tinnitus......blur do blur. How do I feel mentally and emotionally, well, not scared........... But I do have a feeling that I am talking 'end of life' in weeks as opposed to months now. I really hope that I am wrong, and that in 3 months time, I will still be here saying, 'Well, it must just be something that we all feel at some point'. What ever the out come, I think that some of you will want to know what the feelings are and if these feelings will be much a do about nothing, or if they are to be taken seriously. I can't think of any appropriate picture to add after writing this, but I will think of some thing, Not sure if it will doomy and gloomy, or just funny.......I like the idea of funny....we will see. See you again tomorrow for more holiday frivolity!!!!!! Lol!


Anonymous said...

Dear Carol i called in to read more about your holiday and to see if you were ok. I really don`t want to get on your nerves but you are one brave lady. My sister and my mum and Dad were brave too but my sister was young like you and it just feels so wrong in every sense that you have to go through this. I hate to think of you in pain or having to suffer in any way.
I choose to read about your feelings Carol because it helps me to understand some of what my lovely sister must have felt..she would never tell me anything for fear of upsetting me! :( but I knew in a way you do when you love someone. And i do like to know how you are coping aswell. Its strange that we can find people out there in cyber land who come to mean something to us even though we never get to meet.
Carol i really hope that you can have many more months of enjoying life and your family.
I wish there was something i could do for you.
(((gentle hugs))) and i wish you a more restful night.
Thank you for sharing your life with us
Love sally xxx

Carol said...

Sally, thank you so much for supporting my idea of being honest. I am sorry to hear about your sister. I understand why she didn't share, I find it difficult in fear of upsetting family and friends. That's why I feel that writing things down is good for me, and people can choose to read it or not.
Take care,