Thursday May 31st 2012

The girls came to pick me up at about 17.30. Leigh made me some cup cakes....yummy...Thanks.

Well, had a great time at the Wing Wah with Claire, Leigh and Faye. We were able to talk to each other, and certainly had some interesting conversations.
Thanks girls, it was a great evening.

I was back home at 20.15.
I had a little pain, and tried to hide it, but Claire sussed it.

Saying ooo, eee, oooo and ahhhh must have given it away.

Talking of which......
I was at Compton Hospice today and for the first time in years, I heard the song:-

I told the witch doctor I was in love with you
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you
And then the witch doctor, he told me what to do
He said that ....

(Chorus:)
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang...
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang

I told the witch doctor you didn't love me true
I told the witch doctor you didn't love me nice
And then the witch doctor, he gave me this advice
He said to ...

(Chorus:)
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang...
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang

Now, you've been keeping love from me
Just like you were a miser
And I'll admit I wasn't very smart
So I went out and found myself
A guy that's so much wiser
And he taught me the way to win your heart

My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to say
My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to do
I know that you'll be mine when I say this to you
Oh, Baby ....

(Chorus:)
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang...
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang

The chorus just reminded me of the noise I make when I am in pain! LOL!

Again, back to pain, it seems that I am having a negative reaction to the meds that I was prescribed last week.

I have new ones to start today, one every 12 hours.......let's see how I get on with that!

Let you know how I get on tomorrow, but for now, a coffee and a bit of T.V. I think!

Thursday 31st June - writing comp

Well, today I am at Compton Hospice and hopefully will get this pain and sickness mallarky sorted.

And this evening, I am dining out with friends at the Wing Wah.

As you may or may not know, I entered a writing competition a while ago, I haven't heard anything, so I assume that I am not a winner, so I thought that I would share it with you.

Their subject was death and dying....so don't have a go at me for being morbid!!!!!
Anyway, I don't think that it is morbid.

I have called it:-


I Know That I Am Dying - How Cool Is That?

It isn’t dying that is scary. The things that I find scary are how I am going to die, and the nearest and dearest that I will leave behind. What is killing me? A rare cancer, that no one seems to know much about.

The important thing for me is knowing that I have such a great team of McMillan nurses at Compton Hospice. They will ensure that my pain is controlled, and that I have a choice of where to die. That is one scary thing sorted already!

The other one is my loved ones. Well, knowing that I am dying has given me time to sort out a funeral. That is one thing less that they have to worry about.

Secondly, I have ensured that I have a will in place. I have spoken with all concerned and stated what is in my will. A list of who needs to be contacted and informed of my death is there ready for them.

A list of family members and friends who need to be contacted is there and in place. I don’t know about you, but there are some friends and family that I don’t keep contact with on a regular basis. Why? Probably because I am lazy, or meant to, and then forgot.

Knowing that I am dying has made me get on with this, no excuses. I have the opportunity to build bridges. I have fallen out with some people over the years, and now I know that I have to ‘fix’ it. (Or that I can if I want to).

I can spend as much time with my loved ones as is possible with no procrastinations. We are always visiting with each other, phoning, texting and emailing. Before we knew that I was dying, we didn’t make sure that we contacted each other so regularly. That is sad, but I am sure that many families are similar. Many of us need that kick in the ass to get our priorities straight.

How many of you have a ‘bucket list’? I didn’t have one. When I was told that I was going to be dead before the year was out, I started to think of all of the things that I wanted to do, the ones that I was either too busy or too skint to do! Well, in the last couple of months, I have done some of these things!

I promised myself a ‘Murder Mystery’ weekend, this was in 1982!!
Well, I went on one. I went with my Mum, my daughter and a friend. I have always wanted to go on a week end ‘Spa break’. Well, I did that too! Many friends and work colleagues bought me a day spa, which confirmed to me that I still wanted to have a fun week end at it. So that is what I did! My Mum, my daughter and two friends came with me.

Drama group……….I have always wanted to join a drama group, so I joined one last week! I intend to learn to play the drums too, something else that was just a day dream until I knew that I was dying!

There are so many things that I am able to do now, that I would have kept putting off. I want to rent a large house for a week, one that sleeps eighteen plus people. All my friends and family can stay for the week, or just pop in and out as their work allows. I want an indoor pool, a games room, close to local amenities………Oh what fun!
A fabulous gathering of family and friends! If I didn’t know that I was dying, this event would only be reserved for funerals and weddings. At my age, there are more funerals than weddings, so what a change, meeting to be happy!

I am going to have a week end away with my son and daughter; we are going to a ‘craft week end’. The three of us have always fancied a go at pottery. We have found a hotel that does this, and it also has a golf course. That means that my brother and sister in law will come too.

I go to a Day Centre once a week at the local Hospice. What fabulous opportunities there are there. I get to learn new skills, pursue any hobbies and past times that I have given up due to other pressures. I get to meet so many lovely people.

The Day Centre provides manicures, hair dressing and various holistic therapies. When would I have the time to have these? Well, I wouldn’t.
I can access physiotherapy, occupational therapy, benefits advice and so much more.

Many of the things that I have done and want to do, cost money. This is a fact.
Knowing that I am dying, means that I can have all of my pensions paid out in one go. (Work pensions). That certainly helps.

If I am still alive in August/September, I want to go to the Military Tattoo in Edinborough.

I have the time to make my garden into what I want it to be, I have time to sit in my garden and enjoy it.

When I knew that time was so short, I thought that if I didn’t live the rest of my life, and whoooop it up a bit, all of this valuable time would be lost.

I don’t have to watch my weight, I dress how I choose, I get to wear really fabulous head gear. No more daily hair washing, blow drying, moussing and waxing.
I have to paint my eye brows on, so I can put them where I like….no more mono brow, beautifully arched and exactly where I want them.

Knowing that I am dying is so liberating!

These are all the practical advantages…….Ethereal ones?
That is another new story.

Believe me when I say that the scariest thing about death is that you die before ‘living’, before saying ‘I’m sorry’, before forgiving yourself, and before saying ‘I love you’.


I Know That I Am Dying - How Cool Is That.

Carol Hubbard 2012.



I am feeling a bit queezy this morning, but I am sure that I will get over it by this evening......let's just hope that I am not 'over confident!'

Anyway, feel free to comment on my writing....I could always use tips and constructive criticism!

Have a great day!

Monday 27th May 2012

What a busy last 2 days!
Monday......In to town to get some bits and pieces for Mum's new place, and looking at some other things that she believes that she wants.
(Course, she may want them, but they are NOT going to fit!)

So......................................
As we were going to 'sign up, get they keys etc. on Tuesday, I suggested that we had another look to see what will and will not fit.
Direct debit for rent set up too....Whoohoooooooooo!

Bloody good job we checked on sizes too!

Anyway, Tuesday, we went to Trinity House, signed up, got the keys, went in to town to order beds, fridges and other stuff.
With the drive to and from Leicester, I am absolutely hanging!
Just chillaxing today!!!!!!

The History of Trinity Hospital and the whole supported living scheme is really interesting, if you are interested, I have put a link on the right hand side in 'My other places'. It really is worth a read............ Please take a look and like, I think that so many more people should know about this wonderful place.


http://www.trinityleicester.org.uk

My friend, Sandra, is coming to see me today, so I am looking forward to that, I havn't seen her for ages.

I had extra pain yesterday evening, and took more morphine that usual, consequently, I do feel a little queezy today, but I am sure that it will pass....(she says hopefully).
ANyway, have a good day, and chat again tomorrow.

Sunday 26th MAY 2012

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, bliss!
Feeling so much better today, no head ache, no nausea and sickness, just the normal pain.

I am relatively sure that it was the morphine patches. I ripped it off as soon as I was sick for the first time. I think that I need to have have more anti-sickness meds. before I try the patches again. I know I had to go on them when I went on morphine in the first place, I would imagine that it should be able to be sorted.
At the moment it is a choice between pain and being sick.....pain has won by a whisker!

When I was unwell yesterday, I popped back to bed and I left the door and windows open because it was so warm.

Anyway, a through draft caught the curtains which in turn knocked a picture off. It clattered. I then heard Mum shout,
'You OK!?
Apparently I groaned,
'Yes thanks'.
And went back to sleep.

When I woke, Mum told me that when the 'noise' came from the bedroom, Dougal ran upstairs, checked on me and came straight back down, how sweet is that!

A couple of days before, I got up in the morning, took meds and climbed back into bed.
Well, My friends and family decided that I needed an alarm for my meds as I havae to take them every 2 hours.
Well, the alarm for my meds went off, and Dougal ran up the stairs and started to pull the quilt until I got up and took my meds....my little Dougal is 'Magic!'

Today, I went to lunch at the Wing Wah with Jean and David.
I was starving, but a bit concerned that anything I ate made a grand re-appearance, so I was very cautious........well, what I wanted to say is that David paid for the meal,as a thank you to me for giving him a job 7 years ago when he was unemployed.
(He has moved on since then).
What a memory he has and what a kindness.
How lucky am I to have all these fabulous friends and family.

I am at the Wing Wah again on Thursday with Claire, Faye and Leigh, that will be great.

Mum will be picking her keys up for her new flat on Tuesday, so there is something else that I can celebrate!

Well, I think that is all for now, except to thank my family and friends for being so supportive and caring....Remember that I thank you all, and I love you all......I think that that is enough slop for now!

Sunday

Sorry I didn't post yesterday,
Not sure why, but I had a raging headache, and spent the day vomiting. What a crap day!

Could have been the Morphine patches.....maybe some thing that I ate, unlikely, as I ate nothing yesterday, and a jammy doughnut the day before.....still a bit queezy....see how things go.


Mum will be getting the keys to her flat this week, and she will be moving in slowly.
That is great news.

Oh, sorry, I think that I am going to have to go to make use of my loyal purple bucket......the goods news is that the headache seems to have gone now.....

See you tomorrow.

This morning, I had visitors, then sorted my patches out,
AND THEN......

Ta da da da da ta daaaaa!!!!!!

Horse riding! Lol!

Jean came to pick me up....off we went to the stables, as I said, Jean is a great friend of mine, and used to ride a great deal. She knows loads of stuff about horses, and loads of people who were kind enough to welcome me in their stables and let me ride....Thanks Jean!

Well................
We arrived, and were greeted by two lovely people. They brought the horse to me, and told me that his name was Sultan Star. He was gorgeous.
He was all saddled up and ready to go.

'Oooooooooo', I thought,
'Is he the horse that I am riding'.

Well yes, he was!

Lynn, the horsewoman, explained that he was fifteen hands high...and some other stuff.......I wasn't paying too much attention, I was thinking, 'Oh, sh*t!'

'15 hands high?????? One full carol and more high!'

My head reached where my bum was going to be in only minutes!

I spent some time patting him, and explaining to him that I will probably not be his best ride ever, and to be gentle with me, well, I would like to think that he understood that I was new to this, and was going to be patient.

OK...all geared up, over to some steps, I climbed to the top, and Sultan was guided to his position.
Right, all that I had to do was, put my left foot in the stirrup, hold on the the saddle, haul myself up, and get my right leg over.

Phew....managed that with out too much of a 'do'. I was checked to make sure that I was in the right place, stirrups and wotnots all in order.....holding on to the right bits........

OK....managed that....starting to sweat a bit now.......still in control and calm, but Oooooo!

Now then, Lyn is guiding Sultan with the reins, and her husband is on the other side keeping his eye on us.
Well..................Sultan started to move. OMGoodness!!!!!!

He was gentle and slow, and so well behaved, I am hanging on for for all that I am worth!!

Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, I can hear this, and concentrating so hard........ I am trying to remember all that I was taught to remain calm and controlled, I heard myself saying,
'Deep breaths, relax, breath in, breath out.......'
I was thinking to myself, Oooooo, well done Carol, that's it, you've cracked it.....keep breathing, relax......my concentration was so deep.........

Then I heard a little voice say,
'What do you think then Carol, shall we go on the road?'

By this time, I had travelled all of 30yards.

'Road? Me? Now? On Sultan?'

I replied using what I believed to be a calm and casual voice,
'No thank you, perhaps we can turn here and go back now'.

In actual fact, I sounded like Minnie mouse with a stutter, almost begging to go back!!!!!!
lol!

Bless them.
They took me back and explained how to dismount, whilst informing me that it wasn't common practice to provide parachutes for this procedure....(ok, that's a lie, but it certainly fits the scenario!)

I was invited to return for a ride any time that I liked and that I would be most welcome.
I thanked my hosts and expressed my gratitude for the opportunity. Such a lovely and kind couple, a most beautiful horse, although, I may visit again, I am in no hurry to climb on another horse any time in the near future!

Well, I can now say that I have done it after wanting to for so many years!

(Jean did take a picture of me on Sultan, which I will publish as soon as I have it from her phone........and this isn't it!)

We got back into the car and drove to our next destination whilst I recovered...............

Now we at some racing stables.
We were greeted by the owner, Paul and his wife, Rachel and their new born baby.....awwwwwwwww.
Coffee and jammy doughnuts! Yummy!

After a general chat, Paul took me around.
I was expecting to just go around and pat the heads of horses that were poking over the stable door.
No.

Paul took me right into each stable, gave me the names, ages and details of races each horse had won. It was a very up close and personal experience. I was overwhelmed!
I patted all of the horses, and hand fed some, it was awesome!

You know....some times I can't get over just how kind people are and how willing they are to give so much of them selves to complete strangers.

I think that Jean had spoken to Paul about my earlier experience, because, just as we were getting ready to leave, Paul said,
'I have the perfect horse for you to have a go on Carol'.
Feeling a little concerned, I said,
'OKaaaaaayyyyy?'

Well, in he comes with this fantastic horse, 16 hands high, and each hoof as big as my head!'

'Errmmmmmmm, thanks, but I think not!'

(This isn't him, but yep, adrenaline is brown!)

After this, I went to see a mare and her foal....what a beautiful sight.

Then, back to Jean's, a cup of coffee, and home.

Thanks for a great day!

Thursday 24th May 2012

Yay!
Mum has been offered the flat that we looked at yesterday!

We will organise the move as soon as we can.
That is a load off!!

When I found out, I became a bit emotional....it means that Mum is leaving..........
Then, almost straight away, I saw the Husband of Maria, (Maria is the lady at Compton Hospice that I really liked, who died), anyway, her husband came to pick up her art work, which was very good.
Well, seeing him, straight after the realisation that Mum would be leaving just got to me and I broke down.
The nurses at Compton were very quick to give me 1:1 and just listened as I poured it all out!
Thanks!

So.....talking about the wonderful nurses........
Remember that I went to the wedding of Jo a couple of weeks ago, well, think about some one tip toeing as discretely as possible....and read on......

Well.....keep that image in your mind..........
When I went to see her at the Registry office, she was waiting to go in with the Brides maids, Jo said,
'Go in, Go in'.......
So I did....sneaking, like the image......
Saw every one and made towards people that I knew, then the beautiful bride entered........

When I saw Jo today...(back from honeymoon, bless), she said that after watching the video, bearing in mind, we, outside, knew nothing of what was going on inside, and visa versa......
The Registrar had just said,
'Please can every one be upstanding for the Bride'......
Every one stood, and in I waltzed! (I wondered why every one was just standing and what appeared to be milling about!

Apparently, the Groom nearly had a heart attack when he saw this strange vision in bright orange! I was oblivious!

How embarrassing would that have been if I knew then what I know now...ever so glad that I had no idea!

Still giggling here just thinking about it!

OK.....Pain......

No new bed required!
Just better pain control....Yippppeeeeee!

Need to go on morphine patches, and continue to take my liquid morphine.
I was told to remember that 'morphine is my friend!' Hehehehe....Love it!

So wear the patches, use the the 'bottle' as and when required, take additional paracetamol/tramadol as needed.
List what I have taken daily over the week, so that the dosage of morphine can be adjusted to suit my pain levels.
(Went to pick up the prescription, but alas, the chemist doesn't have that dosage in stoke until tomorrow morning, but I can wait). I need to continue with the present meds for 24 hours until it is in my system properly.

I did mention that I was concerned that it was the morphine that was making me sleepy, but it isn't...........the sleepiness is just part of my disease.....(makes me sound a bit like a Dutch Elm, Lol)!

Sounds like I am being devoured a bit at a time by something nasty, which, indeed, is the case, I think that I like the word cancer better....I don't know....a rose by any other name, I suppose............

All in all, today has been a bit like an emotional roller coaster, but that is what 'Living' is all about!

Ain't Life Grand!

Wednesday 23rd May 2012

Well, today, I took Mum to Leicester to look at some supported living accommodation.

We went to pick Roxanne up first.
I had made an appointment to visit a place called Trinity House. It is on Western Boulevard In Leicester.

The flat in question is top floor, 3rd window from the left.....(I think).

We were all extremely impressed.
The flat that Mum liked was on the top floor, with a small balcony over looking the canal and Castle Gardens.

The flat consists of a wet room with shower and loo.
Fitted kitchen with cooker.
Single bedrooom with built it drobes.
Living room with balcony window.
Emergency pull cords
On site scheme manager (Residential).
Communal lounge and communal dining room fro occasions and events.
500 yards to the nearest amenities, Doctors, Shops etc.

We filled in the application form, and now we need to wait.
Fingers crossed.

Well, today has been a relatively good day, still feeling pain, but manageable.
Tomorrow, at the Hospice, and I will seek advice regarding sleeping etc.
Friday, I get a go at horse riding and a look around the stables and I get to see a newborn foal!

AND...........it looks like I might have cracked how to space and paragraph with this new blogger now.

Tuesday 22nd May 2012

Good After noon! What a lovely day!
The sun is shining it is warm and bright.

I am going to break this in to two bits.....firstly....The holiday continued..........

One day, all the young ones, Keith, Roxanne, Tom, Sarah and Stephen went to Brighton for the day.

Looking at the pictures, I can see that they had a great time.

Yes, the holiday was fab!

The next bit....not all of you may want to read..............

I am in pain most of the time now, the only thing that varies is the intensity, still taking pain killers every two hours. (AND morphine).
Anyway, it is as I was expecting. I can still do stuff, I just have to do it slowly, and remember that I will get a pain after/during any movement.

I have been looking at these recliner - riser chairs and the electric beds. I am thinking that If I have something like that, then I would be able to sleep upright, which should reduce the pain during the night, allowing me sleep all night, reducing the feeling of tiredness in the day, promoting the ability to 'think' through any pain that I get when I am awake!

TaDahhhhhh!

What do you think!?

Sunday 21st May 2012

Ok....I have decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it! Yes, I am still in pain, but I know that I should expect it, the thing to do is look at alternative ways to manage it! (Wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed!) I think that half of my problem is that I have completed the 'biggie' thing on my bucket list, and so I am feeling the lack of stuff to look forward to, so I am going to start another mini bucket list. Anyway...on the Saturday night, when we 'girls' were together telling tales, for some reason, I remembered a song that my Granddad had on a 78rpm record, you know, the old Bakelite ones. Sooooooooo, I started to sing it, (as you do!). Whilst I was doing this, Claire had a call from her brother.......sooo, I took the phone from her and sang it to him too....(never met the poor man before in my life, so he probably needs counselling now! lol).

I have tried looking on line and all sorts to no avail. They all think that I have made it up! Well, I haven't....so here are the words, just in case you know better............... Oh, and of course, I sing like an Angel! (A monotone one who gargles with glass, but an angel never the less1) Here we go. If you want to get a kiss, Here's a way you'll never miss, Blow in your eye and start to cry. It's easy, it's easy. If you want a warm embrace, Wiat for him in a quite place. Tire and fall when he's in sight, He'll catch you and hold you tight. It's easy, it's easy. If you want to break the ice, When the one you love Is frozen with reserve, Listen now, I'll tell you how! If you want a man, You'll have to learn to throw a curve. If you want to marry him, Days look nice, When lights are dim. Dazzle him with the way you look, He wont care whether you can cook. It's easy, It's easy. Tell him you love that kitchen sink, Tell him you just don't care for mink. That's not so easy. Anyway, I can't possible have made that up, it is too good, I would be a lyricist! Yes, it is sexist, and old fashioned, but I really liked it when I was 5 years old! I think that it was a 'B' side of an Andrews Sister's record, something like, Under the Apple Tree or Bugle boy, Maybe coffee in Brazil.

Saturday 20th May 2012 - Our unruly evening

Well, later on the Saturday, Robert and his 'party' had left, the rest of us were swimming, doing archery and drinking............. Keith, Roxanne, Tom, Sarah and Stephen started to mess around with one of those huge catapults...the ones where it takes two, one to hold each side, and one to pull. They were firing water bombs, (bio-degradable balloons, of course).

Me, Ann, Jean and Claire were sitting on the patio drinking and chatting. Ann's husband and Jean were in the police force, so there were many stories there, and of course, the rest of us had our own stories too.

One of the stories was about a man purchasing the services of a woman.....not the service that you would expect..........no! The man wanted to lay beneath a glass coffee table, whilst she daefacated on the top of it, (I am trying to write this so as not to.....well.......you know........upset! Lol! Think that I have lost that one already! So embarrassing!

Anyway, we all, (especially Ann), were more concerned with how the lady could perform this act at 3pm on a Saturday after noon, to order, than the act itself!!!!!! We were all amazed!

We told and listened to so many stories, we were howling with laughter, the young ones even tried to quieten us down by firing these water bombs at us. This went on until 1,30 ish in the morning. We laughed so much!

Me and Claire thought that we were women of the world until we heard some of these stories....it was such a lot of fun. My tummy and my throat were sore with laughing!!!!!

What fun! We had a few to drink...........

And we were brave, and had some more!!!!